| My vacation |
[Jul. 10th, 2004|09:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wynona's Big Brown Beaver - Primus | ] |
Just a quick hey to everyone who actually reads this thing. I'm having a relxing vacation. Not much to do out here so I'm just chillin let my mom be a grandma.
I think you'll all be amused to hear I went out the other night.
So yeah a friend of a friend took me out he ended up getting very drunk to the point he passed out so I ended up cabbing it back to my folks house.
Yes I know such excitement how shall the world deal right?
I have to say when you realize there's not a lot to do but sit and watch TV or putter about you remember why you moved to a big city. So part of me can't wait to get home and part of me says maybe a couple of extra days will do some good. Glad I decided on doing one way tickets each way.
So I'm still alive out here and I'll see ya all soon!!
I gots to go before my mom comes in and complains again that I;m not relaxing. |
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| Love |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|11:23 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I have been thinking a bit about love recently. I guess to a point it has been on my mind. How is that we come to care about some people and not others? How is that we come to love some people and not others? And how is it that one day we can dislike someone and the next like them? Do we start seeing in them reflections of ourselves or do our souls bring us together? And in the end does it even matter why or what brings us together on any sort of level?
The only thing I can say is I don't know. I don't know what makes things change from one day to the next. I only know when they have. Perhaps it is life experience more then anything. Experiences in life change us. One day we may like dogs only to have one bite us and disrupt that trust and like. So while today I may like dogs experiences today may change that. Then again maybe I just ramble too much.
I have decided to let someone read the book and tell me what they think of it. Before I shop it around and such.
I also think that for the moment my life has no room in it for a love life. I'm happy as I am and while someone to share thoughts and experiences with would be a nice bonus they would have to be exactly the right sort of someone. And while in my circle of friends I could find MR right now, I would prefer to find something more lasting and meaningful. So instead of putting myself and my son through yet more meaningless attachments I will put off the dating scene for awhile. I have more then enough to full my life and don't need any man to make me complete. |
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| Time |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|01:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
I got a lot of it right now on my hands. So Koey call we'll have lunch k?
Other then wanting to have lunch with my friends everything is going well. Pooka's happy and healthy.
I've begun to ponder getting into the dating game again. Not sure though totally maybe I'll just wait and see if someone catches my fancy. |
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| Events of late |
[Jun. 8th, 2004|11:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
So things have been going well. The book is done. I might shop it around. Then again I might not. I'm happy it and all the pain with it are done.
I find myself still in the process of settling down though happily some of my sense of humor has returned. I think death of friends really makes you grow up a lot. Makes you realize how little time in this world there can be.
I have however been finding friends and advice in the oddest places. But I won't complain about that at all. Take friends where you find them they are precious things.
Well I got things to do today, but I figured my friends would like to know I haven't died or dropped off the face of this earth.
Koey if you read this give me a ring been too long since we chatted. And there's some shit I need to talk to you about. |
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| My head buried in books |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|07:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
Books books and more books. Too damn many books in the world and few say anything worth while. So I'm taking a break from looking at the books before they drive me nuts and I want to throw them out the window. Which would not be good considering I borrowed them. All I want to know is are my books this bad? Man some are so boring. On the bright side it was nice enough day that I spent outside on my porch reading my book at least until Pooka got home then it was mommy this and mommy that and mommy I want and...I think you get the picture.
Last question before I go why do I do this again? Oh yeah cus someone said it would be fun! |
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| still sick |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|09:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
I am still yet sick. Though I have begun to feel a little better I still find myself weakend and tired. The bruising continues though. Thanks BTW katherine the ice does help. Though the shear number of them...maybe I need to eat more meat. I am still having trouble with sleeping as my mind wants to go a hundred miles a minute. Thankful though it silences enough for me to meditate. Which I have done often of late. Koey you will be pleased to hear I have gotten down the technique you suggested. Though different from the one I used to use it works none the less. Many a decision of late have been based off of that.
Now onto work the book has begun to come slower I no longer feel this overwhelming need to get it written. Though I hoping it will be good and get picked up by some company. And yet maybe just maybe this is one work of mine that will stay in private collection a reminder of a lesson hard learned.
I think the works slows for many a reason 1 I am sick and 2 it is nearly done. Though I look forward to it's doneness. Perhaps today I will finish off the last of it. Perhaps I will not...no that is not right I know that finishing it ends a chapter of my life as well one that is due for putting away. |
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| Sick |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|08:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
I have been ill. I think I had the flu or something. I have bruises everywhere it seems and there is little that I do that doesn't hurt. I'm back up out of bed for the most part though still taking it a bit easy. Funny thing though I feel pent up with energy even as sick as I felt and feel now. Sleep has been in short supply yet never have I felt more energetic. Lucky for me I've had friends come help with my little one. Anyone got a suggestion for bruises? |
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| no rest... |
[Apr. 13th, 2004|02:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
for the wicked. The thought came into my head when I thought of the fact that while I wished to sleep I did not. I worked on the book. The book that does not wish to come along at times. My own fears of course. My own memories and thoughts and emotions that come into play when I try to write it. Never has writing been so hard. But I promised. I promised that I would do this that the tale would be told and that he would have a place and be remembered. I will not go back on my last promise to him. I cannot.
I tried a trick suggested me by a friend. In many a way it worked only too well...the memories when I thought...they came flooding in quickly and so much less control. And images I wish I could forget. That day...how...wrong so many things seemed.
I seek. Though I know not what not yet. I have thought of doing a ritual and shutting myself away from the world and see what I find but I do not know if that is right either the inner voice so quiet yet so loud and demanding at the same time. It begs that I listen yet when I do it is so quiet.
It is the grief the loss that which I refuse to deal with but I must and so I do. I miss him. He touched my soul in a way that I had never before felt. He tugged me to him and in those moments of his greater sanity I saw the man he should of become the man he had been destined to be. So handsome and full of life that is what I remember about him. Or try to not the insanity of him that others saw but the man. It was the man that drew me the other it compelled me and his words his words that I do not yet understand but hope to. The request one time to make him not have to punish me. Did he know that his mere exsistance and then death would be my torment and to him that was enough?
I calm myself and think of the garden and the day the day I knew that things had changed and not for the good the day that touching him in even a simple comforting way felt wrong.
It was during these times that I think my soul began to want more to want something more then this butterfly exsistance. It wants substance and yet I must ask is there anyone who would live up to that which I now want? That which my true self wants a companion a true companion not someone who tomorrow will move on to something new.
R showed up last night. Even his company I did not wish. Him whom I have never denied whose star used to intersect mine. We argued for a bit and the stress...he saw one of the fits that grip me every so often. He did not like it much and we sat and talked . And during this I realized that even him I did not want the need for him is gone and while he accepts this for now he looked at me for a a quick bit saying only briefly with a bit of a puzzled look said I had changed. He seems both excited and scared by this at the same time. I think he fears that I will tell him of the things I know. The things he thinks I do not already know. That I am not the only one he sees that I am his safety net someone always there for him. And this time for him I could not be and while my home is always open to him I think things will not be the same for some time. He fears his student knowing more then him reaching out farther then him yes somehow these things I know I see them from him his fear, his need to be mentor to be a teacher that is his wish. But his knowledge it does not equal to that and I think sometimes he doesn't listen to his true self and that is where his trouble lay. This I know. But I have as usual digressed but writing out things like this makes it easier to write the book. And it grows late in the day and there is still much work to be done. |
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| nothing to say... |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|03:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I think a chapter in my life has moved on. Or perhaps a new one is begining. Good or bad though I know not yet. So long story short I was turned down not once but twice...and yet I sat for a long while afterwords and thought about it and I realized that it didn't bother me. That I honestly did not care that I did not actually want what I thought I had. confusing? Yes I know...I realized I did not care about being turned down because I did not want them. The act of even attempting to be with someone was well just that an act a programed response so to speak...and in the end it worked out for the better because to have gone that route would have been a sin. And I wonder when did I grow so. When did what I want in my soul change. Or had it always been that way and I I had simply ignored it? I doubt that to be the case I was happy with the way my life was and I find myself now hough alone and sometimes lonely. Odd as I have never felt alone before this is something new something since...
But I have a book to write and the time to dwell on things is not now. Maybe later... |
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| long weekend.... |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|12:12 am] |
I worked a lot this weekend the book comes along well. I hope that it goes over well.
I am thinking about what to do the test I think goes well though I know not yet perhaps for a long time I will not know. But the test goes and all is well.
Pooka is good and so happy.
To be honest I wish there was more to say perhaps though today is not a day for thought but contemplation. |
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